EFT and Sex Therapy for Couples in Scottsdale, AZ: Strengthening the Emotional Foundation of Your Relationship
It just wouldn’t be right to talk about Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) without honoring Sue Johnson. She’s the badass woman and world-renowned psychologist who developed this approach in the 1980s. EFT is rooted in attachment theory and was created to help couples repair conflict and build stronger relationships. Sue was deeply committed to this work. She would record her couples' therapy sessions and spend hours reviewing them. Her goal was to identify the key moments that helped people shift their relationships and deepen their connections.
EFT was designed to help couples improve their emotional connection and strengthen relationships. It is one of the most well-researched approaches to couples therapy and is used worldwide. Studies show that approximately 70-75% of couples who undergo EFT move from distress to recovery. Additionally, about 90% show significant improvements in their relationship. EFT is shown to be effective across different cultural groups, indicating its broad applicability.
Attachment Theory
For EFT to make sense, we need a basic understanding of its foundation, attachment theory. It’s time to introduce the star player whose research helped us understand child development and its impact on human relationships.
Drum roll please… da da da da!
John Bowlby developed attachment theory in the mid-20th century. Bowlby defined attachment as “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.”
How are attachments formed, you ask?
The responsiveness of caregivers plays a key role in shaping a child’s attachment style. The attention and care children receive in their early years are especially important. These early experiences help determine their attachment patterns. Bowlby believed that a child’s first bonds with caregivers create a blueprint. That blueprint influences how they relate to others in future relationships. Bowlby discovered four common attachment styles that individuals can develop.
Attachment Styles
The four attachment styles are secure, anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive, and disorganized. Here’s a closer look at each (if you are familiar with attachment styles, skip ahead to the next section).
SECURE
Individuals with a secure attachment are typically comfortable in intimacy and autonomy in relationships. They tend to trust others more easily. They feel confident forming healthy, supportive connections with the people in their lives. They can express emotions openly and seek support from their partners when needed. Overall, they have a positive view of themselves and others. Securely attached individuals tend to have stable, long-lasting relationships. They handle conflicts constructively and are capable of balancing closeness with independence.
ANXIOUS PREOCCUPIED
Individuals with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles often worry about their partner’s availability and responsiveness. They seek a high level of closeness and intimacy. Sometimes, this need becomes so strong that they appear clingy or overly dependent. They may have a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others. This dynamic can lead to a deep fear of abandonment and rejection. Anxiously attached individuals tend to be preoccupied with their relationships. They constantly seek reassurance from their partners. They are often highly sensitive to perceived signs of rejection or indifference. As a result, they may experience intense emotional highs and lows.
AVOIDANT DISMISSIVE
Individuals with avoidant attachment styles value independence and self-sufficiency. Often, this comes at the cost of forming close relationships. They tend to hold in their emotions or avoid expressing them—especially vulnerable ones. They may have a positive view of themselves but a negative view of others. This outlook can lead to a deep distrust of close relationships. Avoidantly attached individuals often struggle with intimacy. They may keep partners at an emotional distance. Commitment can feel uncomfortable or overwhelming. They might also downplay the importance of relationships altogether. Instead, they prefer to focus on work, hobbies, or other solo pursuits.
DISORGANIZED
Individuals with disorganized attachment styles often lack a clear strategy for managing close relationships. They may feel torn between wanting closeness and fearing intimacy. This internal conflict can lead to unpredictable or contradictory behavior. They often hold negative views of both themselves and others. As a result, they may struggle to trust and rely on others. Their behavior in relationships can appear chaotic, confusing, or erratic. They might push partners away while also seeking comfort and connection. Emotional regulation is often difficult for them. In many cases, a history of trauma or loss influences their attachment patterns.
While early attachment styles often carry into adulthood, they are not set in stone. With self-awareness, therapy, and positive relationship experiences, individuals can grow. They can work toward developing a more secure attachment style. This shift can greatly improve their ability to form and maintain healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Attachment and EFT
Attachment transcends race, sexual orientation, and gender and ultimately connects humanity. Attachment theory is relevant for all humans because we are alive and breathing; we all have attachment needs and longings. Primary attachment needs are safety, security, emotional availability, comfort, soothing, validation, acceptance, respect, closeness, intimacy, trust, predictability, love, and belonging.
What throws partners into distress is when we do not get some of those attachment needs and longings met. What happens to humans when those attachment needs go unmet often causes us to feel pain and fear. What we know from the science is that unprocessed pain and fear tweak our behaviors. We end up interacting with the one who matters most in ways that leave us feeling disconnected, alone, and even questioning our love for each other.
Emotion is the messenger of love. When we are in distress, we show a lot of secondary emotions, which are more of the fast-moving reactive emotions like anger, jealousy, anxiety, frustration, hurt, etc, that end up pushing our loved ones away. In EFT, we work from secondary to distilled primary emotions, which are the deeper, more vulnerable emotions that are often riskier to express, such as sadness, loneliness, shame, fear, abandonment, etc.
What is Emotionally Focused Sex Therapy?
Emotionally Focused Sex Therapy (EFST) is a compassionate, research-backed approach to improving intimacy and connection in relationships. It centers on emotional bonding and communication. At its core, EFST helps couples work through emotional barriers that may be affecting their sexual relationship. This process allows them to create a deeper, more fulfilling connection.
In EFST, the goal isn’t just to improve sexual techniques. Instead, it focuses on understanding and addressing emotional needs, vulnerabilities, and desires—key elements in our intimate lives. Couples may struggle with feelings of disconnection, fear of rejection, or unmet needs. These issues can impact both desire and enjoyment of sex. EFST works to break down these emotional barriers. It fosters a safe space where both partners can feel heard, valued, and understood.
Therapists trained in EFST guide couples through meaningful conversations. These sessions help partners express their feelings, identify unhelpful patterns, and learn to nurture each other’s emotional needs. By doing so, couples enhance both emotional and physical intimacy. Over time, they can rebuild trust, reignite desire, and experience more connected sexual moments.
This therapy isn’t just about “fixing” problems. It’s about building a foundation of emotional security and mutual understanding. Whether you're facing sexual dissatisfaction, intimacy struggles, or simply want to deepen your bond, EFST offers a warm, empathetic path forward. It’s designed to help you grow closer—both emotionally and physically.
What can I expect during an EFT session?
An EFT therapist will begin addressing communication between you and your partner from the very first session. They focus on how emotions drive communication and how emotions are felt and interpreted during those exchanges. Rather than only discussing communication techniques, an EFT therapist works experientially. They focus on the emotions behind the words—both the ones driving the communication and the emotional responses to it. The therapist also tracks the patterns you and your partner fall into during emotionally charged moments. These are the cycles that keep you stuck.
An EFT therapist will help both of you recognize and understand these negative cycles of interaction. They guide you in identifying what you’re truly feeling underneath the surface. Then, they help you build the skills to share those feelings in a way your partner can hear and hold space for. When we feel safe in a relationship and share our primary emotions, bonding moments naturally occur. But healing relationship distress takes time and effort. Like any healing process, it requires consistency. Just as you would need to do physical therapy exercises repeatedly to heal an injured shoulder, you’ll need to practice these emotional skills over and over to repair and strengthen your connection.
How is EFT different than other types of couples therapies?
EFT differs from other couples therapies because it focuses on emotions and the deep connection between partners. Instead of just trying to fix problems or teach communication skills, EFT helps couples understand and share their feelings safely. It looks at the patterns that cause couples to feel stuck or distant and helps them create a stronger, more loving bond. The goal is to help both people feel more connected, supported, and secure in the relationship. Many couples find that EFT helps them grow closer and feel more understood.
When is EFT not a good fit?
EFT is not a good fit if there is active abuse going on in the relationship. This includes physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. In these cases, safety should be the priority, and other interventions, like individual therapy or domestic violence support, may be more appropriate.
EFT requires both partners to be emotionally engaged in the process. If one or both individuals are unwilling to participate or are actively sabotaging the therapy process, it may not be effective.
Suppose one partner has a severe and untreated personality disorder (narcissistic, borderline, histrionic) that hinders their ability to form stable, empathetic connections. In that case, EFT may be difficult without addressing the underlying disorder first.
Ongoing substance abuse problems can interfere with the emotional work needed in EFT. In these cases, addressing the addiction might be a priority before or alongside relationship work.
Lastly, EFT can help couples heal after infidelity; it requires both partners to be committed to rebuilding trust. If one partner remains uncommitted or ambivalent, EFT may be less effective.
Does EFT work online?
Yes, EFT can work virtually! Many therapists offer EFT through HIPPA-compliant software, and couples still find it helpful. You and your partner can talk to the therapist from home or in separate spaces during online sessions. The therapist will guide you through the same steps to help you understand your feelings and connect. Research shows that EFT is effective online, just like in-person sessions. As long as you feel comfortable with your therapist and have a good internet connection, online EFT can be a great option!
Final Thoughts from a Sex Therapist in Paradise Valley, Arizona
EFT can improve your relationships and adjust your attachment style with time and effort. We are here to support you at The Connection Couch if you are ready to deepen your emotional connection and create lasting change in your relationship.
Begin Healing Your Relationship with EFT for Couples in Scottsdale, AZ
Working through challenges with your partner can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. With the right tools and support, it’s possible to reconnect, repair trust, and feel truly seen by each other again. At The Connection Couch, I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help couples break out of painful cycles and build secure, lasting bonds. Whether you’re feeling distant, stuck in conflict, or struggling with intimacy, we’ll work together to strengthen your emotional connection. Follow these steps to get started:
Begin with a free 15-minute consultation to share your goals and ask questions.
Schedule your first couples therapy session and start learning tools to deepen trust, communication, and connection.
Explore how sex therapy for couples can support greater emotional and physical intimacy, at a pace that feels right for you.
Other Services Available in Paradise Valley
As a sex therapist in Paradise Valley, I specialize in sex therapy for couples looking to deepen emotional and physical intimacy. Whether you're feeling disconnected or working through the aftermath of betrayal, therapy offers a supportive space to grow together. I also provide individual sex therapy for those exploring their own experiences, healing from sexual trauma, or wanting to build a healthier relationship with their sexuality. Wherever you’re starting from, we’ll move at a pace that feels safe and empowering.
Sources from an Experienced Sex Therapist in Scottsdale, AZ:
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Johnson, S.M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.
Johnson, S.M. (2019). The practice of emotionally focused couples therapy: Creating secure connections (3rd ed.). Routledge.
Other Resources Recommended by a Sex Therapist in Arizona:
ICEEFT
Books Related to Couples Sex Therapy in AZ:
Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
Love Sense by Dr. Sue Johnson
Created for Connection by Dr. Sue Johnson
Secure Love: Create a Relationship that Lasts a Lifetime by Julie Menanno