Is Porn Hurting Your Relationship? A Scottsdale Sex Therapist in Training Weighs In
My partner says that I have a porn addiction and that I need to get help. My religious upbringing taught me that pornography is addictive, sinful, and wrong. But I just can’t seem to stop watching it. I feel so guilty and shameful that I have hurt my partner and caused pain in our relationship. It’s all my fault that we are in this place.
These are real, heartfelt statements from my male clients. They come to me seeking help, hoping I can guide them in fixing their relationship and themselves. After all, they are the ones with the problem, aren’t they? Most men I work with are good men who love, are attracted to, and want to do right by their spouse/partner. They feel ashamed about the pain they have caused and are desperate to fix it. This is where sex therapy and education play a crucial role in helping them navigate their struggles.
Beyond the Stigma: A More Informed Approach to Porn and Relationships
What if I told you that much of what you’ve been led to believe about pornography being addictive is incorrect? What if there was a healthier way to understand problematic sexual behavior? One that isn’t based on shame or a lack of sex education? What if this new perspective could help you and your partner navigate your relationship with more clarity? What if, instead of following society’s rules, you could create relationship agreements that truly work for you? What if you had the freedom to define what is acceptable in a way that supports your unique relationship?
As a sex therapist, I believe the absence of sex education has led to a host of issues that affect the health and longevity of relationships. One of the most common ways a lack of sex education hurts romantic relationships is an insufficient understanding of pornography literacy.
Porn literacy? What the f*ck is that?
You are not alone. Our society has done a terrible job—and I mean TERRIBLE—at teaching media consumers how to think critically. We are surrounded by media every day. Yet, we are rarely encouraged to question the messages we receive. Instead, we passively absorb information without examining where it comes from or what it truly means. People need the skills to analyze and interpret media. They should be able to question, reflect, and form their own understanding. By using critical thinking, personal beliefs, and life experiences, individuals can create their own meaning from media messages—rather than just accepting them at face value.
Porn literacy is a form of media literacy. It helps people become aware of how pornography can shape their thoughts and feelings. By developing porn literacy, individuals learn to think critically about its influence. This skill promotes healthier attitudes toward sex and relationships. Understanding these impacts can lead to more informed and balanced perspectives. Who and what relationship wouldn’t benefit from more of that?!
Porn literacy offers several key benefits. It strengthens critical thinking skills and helps individuals understand consent and boundaries. It reduces shame and stigma, promoting a healthier view of sexuality. It also supports sexual health and lessens the impact of harmful content. Most importantly, it empowers people with accurate knowledge. Consider this blog post as your brief introduction to porn literacy.
Common misconceptions about pornography viewership
Hearing misinformation about pornography is one of my biggest pet peeves as a sex therapist. It causes so much pain that I believe much of that could be avoided with proper sex education. There are many common misconceptions about porn viewership. Many of these stem from a lack of understanding or the stigma surrounding pornography.
Myth: porn is addicting.
The number one myth I hear the most frequently is that pornography is addicting. Porn addiction research has not accumulated a sufficient amount of evidence to establish diagnostic criteria to label someone as a “porn addict.”
Reality: It is not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). This is the handbook used by mental health professionals to diagnose and provide evidence-based treatment to their patients. Porn addiction research also shows that it is a moral incongruence that can cause relationship conflicts due to a lack of proper sex education.
Myth: Only men watch porn.
Reality: While men do tend to watch more porn on average, studies show that a significant number of women also watch porn. Many women view porn as a source of sexual fantasy, arousal, or creativity to generate new ideas to explore as a couple in bed.
Myth: Watching porn means you are unhappy in your relationship or unattracted to your partner.
Some people believe that those who watch porn are dissatisfied with their partners or their sex lives.
Reality: Yet, many individuals in healthy, satisfying relationships also watch porn. For some, porn is a way to explore fantasies or enhance their sex life. It allows them to do so without negative consequences, such as the risk of STIs or unwanted pregnancy. For others, especially in long-term monogamous relationships, porn can serve a different purpose. It can help relieve the pressure on a partner to always be responsible for their significant other’s sexual needs or libido. In the words of Betty Dodson, “The most consistent sex will be your love affair with yourself.”
Myth: Porn viewership leads to infidelity.
Reality: While some fear that watching porn can lead to cheating or a lack of interest in one’s partner, this isn’t necessarily the case. The effect of porn on a relationship depends on the dynamics of the relationship and the individuals involved–what are your relationship agreements? What is considered infidelity in one relationship may not be infidelity in another (more on this later).
Myth: Porn viewership is a sign of sexual deviance.
There’s a misconception that watching porn is only for people with unusual or deviant sexual desires.
Reality: In reality, watching porn is a common activity across different demographics and sexual orientations, and it does not indicate that someone has deviant or abnormal sexual preferences. We are erotic sexual beings and have been creating erotic content since the beginning of time.
Myth: Porn performers are in the industry because they have trauma.
Reality: People enter the porn industry for a variety of reasons. It is a valid form of employment, and not all porn is exploitative.
Myth: Porn viewership causes erectile dysfunction.
Reality: False, research has thoroughly debunked this. There are numerous other contributing factors to erectile dysfunction.
Myth: Porn watching leads to unrealistic expectations about sex.
Reality: This is only true IF the viewer has not had porn literacy or comprehensive sex education.
Myth: If my spouse/partner watches gay porn, they must be gay.
Reality: The idea that someone must be gay if they watch gay porn is a myth because sexual orientation is complex and cannot be determined by one behavior. Porn is often more about fantasies than real-life desires. It is the same as if you were to watch an action movie; as much I love watching the women in Ocean’s 8 pull off a heist, I don’t ever want to be involved in a heist. Unless it is the Los Angeles heist that happened over Easter weekend in 2024, they got away with 30 million; I have fantasized about being a part of that one—hahaha, get it!
Myth: Watching pornography will eventually lead to viewing child pornography.
Reality: No, this is untrue. Most porn consumers do not watch child pornography. Child pornography is illegal, highly unethical, involves the abuse and exploitation of minors, is challenging to find, and is usually on the dark web. As a mental health professional, I do not condone child porn at all under any circumstances.
New framework for understanding problematic sexual behavior
Dr. Doug Braun-Harvey created the six principles of sexual health. These principles are the foundation for fostering healthy, respectful, and safe sexual relationships.
The first principle is consent. All sexual activity should be consensual, with clear and enthusiastic agreement from all parties involved.
Second, non-exploitation, which means sexual relations are free from coercion, manipulation, and exploitation.
Third, protection from harm. This means sexual activity should involve taking steps to protect oneself and others from harm, including protection from unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Fourth is honesty, which includes open and honest communication about sexual intentions, desires, and expectations.
Fifth is shared values. Sexual relationships should be based on shared values and respect.
Lastly, number six mutual pleasure. Sexual activity should be mutually satisfying, with the needs and desires of all parties being considered and respected.
The thing I love the most about the six sexual health principles is how much they account for the diversity of sexual or gender orientation and erotic expression. In other words, the principles do a great job of not yucking someone’s yum. For example, if you enjoy being tied up and having hot wax poured all down your back while wearing women’s underwear, it's no big deal as long as your sexual partner is ok and comfortable with it. Now may be the perfect time to practice not yucking someone’s yum.
Balancing Your Feelings and Your Partner’s Boundaries
You may be feeling conflicted, relieved, or even more confused about what you are going through. I understand that this information can create strong emotional reactions. What you are feeling is normal. New information takes time to analyze, integrate, and decide what suits your relationship. One thing I do not want you to do is run to your partner and tell them that they are wrong and that they need to be ok with you watching porn because it isn’t a problem. That would not go well, and their emotions and pain remain valid.
Your partner does not ever have to be ok or comfortable with you watching porn. Again, this is about providing you with accurate sex education so that you can make healthy, informed decisions that can help you negotiate relationship agreements that are a win-win for your sexual relationship and that leave everyone involved feeling safe and comfortable.
Navigating Pornography Concerns In Your Relationship
Many couples struggle to navigate conflicts over pornography consumption. It can be an incredibly painful and sensitive topic to discuss. If you or your partner are experiencing distress about porn, know that you’re not alone. Relationship conflicts about sex and intimacy often go deeper than the act of watching porn itself. These conflicts may stem from mismatched expectations, personal insecurities, or past traumas. Religious or cultural conditioning can also play a role. A lack of open communication about sexual needs and desires may further contribute to the tension.
When a partner expresses concern over pornography use, their feelings are valid and should be taken seriously. But, automatically labeling oneself or a partner as a "porn addict" without deeper examination can create unnecessary shame and fear. This can prevent constructive dialogue and understanding. The key to resolving this conflict isn’t to assume that all pornography use is harmful. Instead, it’s important to explore what role pornography plays in the relationship. Both partners should openly discuss their feelings and concerns. This can help them navigate the issue in a way that fosters connection and understanding.
Talking About Porn in a Healthy Way
A healthier approach to addressing pornography use in a relationship involves open communication, mutual respect, and defining shared values around sexual health and intimacy. If one partner feels betrayed or uncomfortable with porn use, it’s crucial to explore the reasons behind their discomfort. Is it a fear of comparison? A concern about emotional disconnection? A belief that porn is inherently degrading? By identifying these underlying fears, couples can begin working toward solutions that honor both partners’ emotional needs without falling into the trap of shame-based narratives.
Another important aspect of developing porn literacy is recognizing that healthy sexuality exists on a spectrum. It looks different for everyone and varies greatly between individuals. Some people use pornography as a tool for self-exploration. Others may turn to it for stress relief or fantasy fulfillment. However, some feel that pornography disrupts their emotional or sexual connection with their partner. Neither perspective is inherently wrong. What matters most is whether pornography use aligns with the agreed-upon boundaries and values within the relationship.
Seeking Support: A Sex-Positive Approach to Pornography Concerns
For individuals who genuinely feel that their pornography consumption is interfering with their well-being or relationship, seeking guidance from a sex-positive therapist can be incredibly beneficial. Rather than approaching the issue from a place of shame, sex therapy can help individuals examine their behaviors, motivations, and any potential compulsive patterns that may need to be addressed. In many cases, what is perceived as "porn addiction" is a symptom of more profound emotional distress, unresolved personal conflicts, or a lack of healthy coping mechanisms.
Ultimately, navigating concerns about pornography in a relationship is not about proving who is right or wrong but about fostering understanding, trust, and mutual respect. Relationships thrive on open communication and the ability to adapt to each partner’s evolving needs and boundaries. By embracing a sex-positive, informed approach to discussions about pornography, couples can move away from fear-based narratives and toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships that honor both partners' perspectives.
Begin Sex Therapy for Porn and Relationships in Scottsdale, AZ
If you or your partner are struggling with conversations around pornography and intimacy, The Connection Couch is here to help. Our experts provide compassionate, informed guidance to help you navigate these sensitive topics and build stronger, healthier relationships. Follow these steps to start your journey toward better communication and deeper connection:
Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation to discuss your unique needs.
Schedule your initial sex therapy appointment and begin your journey toward a healthier sex life.
Discover the positive changes compassionate sex therapy can have in your life.
Additional Therapy Services Provided in Arizona
As a sex therapist based in Paradise Valley, I specialize in sex therapy for individuals and couples seeking to enhance their intimacy. I also guide partners through the healing process after betrayal or infidelity and provide compassionate support for those recovering from sexual trauma.
About the author, A Sex Therapist in Scottsdale, AZ
Holly Nelson has worked her entire career with individuals and couples struggling with pornography concerns. She trained for three years under an AASECT Sex Therapist and is currently pursuing her own AASECT sex therapy certification.
Evidence-Based Sources from a Sex Therapist in Paradise Valley
Braun-Harvey, D. (2009). Six principles of sexual health. https://www.theharveyinstitute.com/six-principles-of-sexual-health
Dawson, K., Gabhainn, N., & MacNeela, P. (2019). Toward a model of porn literacy: Core concepts, rationales, and approaches. Journal of Sex Research, 57(1). https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2018.1556238
Harvey, D. B., & Vigorito, M. A. (2013). Treating out-of-control-sexual behavior: Rethinking sex addiction. Springer Publishing Company.
Klein, M. (2021). His porn her pain: Confronting America’s porn panic with honest talk about sex. Greenleaf Book Group Press.
Other Resources From an Experienced Sex Therapist
Porn Literacy Course:
Sexology Podcast: