How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex: Advice from a Scottsdale Sex Therapist In Training
Talking about sex with your partner can feel awkward, even if you’ve been together for years. But here’s the thing: good communication about sex is the secret ingredient to a satisfying, connected, and fun sex life. As a sex therapist (in training), I help people navigate these conversations every day. So, let’s talk about how you can make these discussions easier, more comfortable, and even enjoyable with insights I share in sex therapy.
1. Set the Stage (Literally and Figuratively)
If the idea of talking about sex makes you squirm, you’re not alone. But the good news is you don’t have to bring it up at the most awkward moment possible (i.e., right after sex or while brushing your teeth). Instead, choose a time when you’re both relaxed and not distracted by kids, work, or Netflix.
Think of it like setting up a meaningful conversation with a friend—you wouldn’t drop a big topic in the middle of chaos, right? Make it a time when you both feel connected and comfortable. Maybe that’s during a walk, over coffee, or cuddled up on the couch. A sex therapist can also help guide these conversations, making them feel more natural and productive.
2. Start with Curiosity, Not Criticism
One of the biggest mistakes people make is approaching the conversation from a place of frustration. Instead of, “You never initiate sex anymore,” try, “I miss feeling close to you in that way. Can we talk about how to bring that back?”
Framing it positively makes all the difference. Instead of making your partner feel like they’re failing, you’re inviting them into a team effort. Think of it as co-creating your sex life together rather than pointing fingers.
3. Use “I” Statements and Be Honest
When talking about sex, it’s important to own your feelings rather than making assumptions about your partner.
Instead of, “You don’t seem interested in sex,” try, “I’ve been feeling a little disconnected from you physically, and I’d love to find ways to change that.”
Honesty is key, but it doesn’t have to be scary. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, and opening up about what you want and need helps them understand you better.
4. Talk About What You Do Like
Sexual conversations don’t always have to be about what’s wrong or what needs fixing. In fact, talking about what you do like can make the conversation way more fun.
Try something like, “I really love when you kiss my neck—it always gets me in the mood.” This not only boosts confidence but also encourages more of what you enjoy.
5. Be Open to Their Perspective
Just like you have feelings and desires, so does your partner. Maybe they’ve been feeling pressure to perform, stressed from work, or unsure how to bring something up themselves. Give them space to share without jumping to conclusions.
If they hesitate, ask open-ended questions like, “What’s been on your mind when it comes to our sex life?” or “Is there anything you’d like to try but haven’t felt comfortable bringing up?”
6. Keep the Conversation Ongoing
A lot of couples make the mistake of having one “big talk” about sex and then never revisiting it again. But your relationship, needs, and desires will change over time. Make these conversations a regular (and low-pressure) part of your relationship—you can do this on your own or with the support of sex therapy.
You don’t need to schedule “Sex Talk Tuesdays” (unless that’s your thing!), but checking in now and then keeps the lines of communication open. As a sex therapist, I encourage ongoing, open conversations to nurture a fulfilling and connected intimate life. Honest discussions about your needs and desires can strengthen trust, deepen intimacy, and help both partners feel heard and valued.
7. Laugh a Little!
Talking about sex doesn’t have to be so serious! Humor is a great way to ease tension. If you fumble your words or feel a little shy, it’s okay to acknowledge it. “Wow, I didn’t think this would make me so nervous! I feel like a teenager again.” Laughter brings connection, and connection makes everything—including sex—better.
Strengthen Your Relationship with a Sex Therapist in Scottsdale, AZ
Discussing sex with your partner can feel intimidating at first, but it gets easier with practice. And the more you talk about it, the more natural it becomes. If you and your partner are struggling to have these conversations—or if you want to deepen your connection but don’t know where to start—I’d love to help. At The Connection Couch, I work with individuals and couples to build confidence, improve communication, and create fulfilling, pressure-free sex lives. Ready to take the next step? Let’s start the conversation together. Follow these steps to schedule your first session:
Start the conversation today with a free 15-minute consultation to explore your unique needs.
Take the first step toward open, meaningful discussions about intimacy by scheduling your initial sex therapy appointment.
Experience the transformative impact of compassionate, judgment-free support.
Other Services Offered by a Sex Therapist in Scottsdale, Arizona
As a sex therapist located in Paradise Valley, I offer sex therapy services for individuals and couples seeking to enhance their connection. I also help couples navigate through the recovery process after betrayal or infidelity, as well as provide compassionate support for those healing from sexual trauma.
About the Author: A Sex Therapist in Paradise Valley
Holly Nelson is passionate about helping individuals and couples create a thriving, vibrant sex life. With a warm and approachable style, she makes talking about sex feel fun, safe, and judgment-free. Through her work at The Connection Couch, Holly helps people break down barriers, ease anxiety, and build deeper intimacy with their partners.